You’re So Vain

Is it vanity to tell yourself that you are happy with your body, even if you are not?  I go to the gym with delusions of grand-jour. Everyone says that 3x a week high intensity work out will make you fit and slim.  Well I should do 5x a week high intensity because I want to be hot.  Since I am so realistic and lets face it, God loves me, this will all happen in a week.  I just know that it was meant to be.  I mean I am meant to be a “hottie.” 

Therefore, day one in the gym you can tell the pros from the newbie.  The pro’s are eyeing themselves in the mirror and screaming in pain because they are lifting way above their strength ability.  There is one guy there; lets call him “Argh” because he screams arghhhh every time he lifts something.  He is one of those guys that encourage the newbie by saying things like, “that’s right push it out, or you are a monster.”  Really, what makes me a monster was it the 10lbs that I just lifted.  By day three I am just hoping that I can lift close enough to Argh so I can drop the weight on his foot, accidentally of course.  However, you know you are in bad shape when Argh learns your name.  Case in point Argh learned my street name.  The street name is my actual name.  I have a fake name that I give people who I have no intention of them ever learning who I really am.  My fake name is usually Jay.  Nevertheless, I digress.  So, Argh comes up to me and is like, how was your work out Chris?  It is really any of your business.  I do not like how Argh learned my name because to him it like instantly bonded us and made us friends.  When in reality I have only been coming here a week.  I am not a regular. 

That is what gym rats do; they try to suck you in.  They try to make you one of them.  Considering myself a non-conformist, I refuse.  I mean really why do I need to become a gym rat.  As per my pact and prayer with God in a week, I am going to be hot.  Argh just has no idea of my relationship with the big cheese upstairs.  It is a done deal.  In one week, I will be hot.  Then week one is over and I still look the same.  Maybe Cheese thought I meant two weeks.  I am not sure how that was misunderstood because I am sure in my prayer I agreed to one week.  Therefore, I slump back to the gym and proceed to duck around corners or use machines out of the way because at this point Argh has elevated me to BFF and quite frankly that dude scares me.  He is trying to get me to add more weights and talking about protein shakes.  I wonder if I should tell him about my pact with Cheese but I decide against that because I would rather hide around corners from Argh than to explain about Cheese agreeing to make me hot in two weeks.  Clearly, Argh must have said years in his pact with Cheese.  Why else would he still be here in the gym unless it is his purgatory?  Maybe Cheese is punishing him.  Cheese is rewarding me with two weeks because I have been such a good person. 

So one more week to go, and then as per my pact with the Cheese I will be hot and free of Argh.