News of Osama

I have seen many post that rejoices in the fact that Osama Bin Laden is dead and many re-quoting MLK about not rejoicing in death, even the death of an enemy. I think like many Americans I find it an internal conflict because I am happy that the man who orchestrated many terrorist attacks and was the figure head for 9/11 is gone but conflicted as my mind races with triumph of someones death. I would much rather have him captured and gone through the justice system but even as I think that as an alternative, I can’t help but think that the only alternative I want is one where even the justice system sentences him to death. (The following opinion will shock many).  I believe in the death penalty. There are certain people who shouldn’t be in this world. The people who hacked hundreds of innocent children to death in Rwanda; beheaded them at their desks at school! Ben Laden who orchestrated countless terrorist attacks that killed thousands and changed others lives. People who did that, they should be executed through our justice system.

Even as I write this, I recognize the internal conflicting thoughts within my own mind and heart and I am happy that the US can claim this victory.

The Sister Wives Crazy Train

I know Mormons and I also know MORONS! This guy Cody and his Sister Wives are all MORONS. Ugh it is just gross. Two of them belong in overeaters anonymous to deal with the fact that their husband is creepy, sleeps with and marries other women. One looks like she has special needs (like a brain) and the fourth one comes across as just desperate. All of the women can do better. The sad part is America is watching this show. I remember when TLC was a network all about an interracial marriage couple and their tiny sweatshop of 8 kids. Bring back those people, I am a little less grossed out by them plus I am hoping I can convince them to tailor my jeans for me.

Fantini Disease a.k.a Ximo Syndrome

When we present our face to the world people see only what we allow or want them to see. So at 3 am when I am up writing blog post instead of sleeping or at least coming in from the bar, I look like your typical online loser. Of course my profile pictures looks more like Brad Pitt on a holiday (not british just wish I was). How many times can one person check Reality Tea website or listen to “Jar of Hearts” in one night? Apparently 10 (make that 11, 12, 13) times. I would normally call this Fantini disease but she is going by XimoSally now and it does not roll off the tongue as smoothly as I would hope for; XimoSally disease. Nope, I still prefer Fantini disease; however, I digress. So here it is 3 am and I am like a five year old who drank three Coca-Cola sodas in a row. Although, I think I dated myself with that reference; does anyone drink coke anymore? Probably not, they have all moved onto the cooler soft drinks like something calorie less or worse something made with no sugar. I took out the drug references. Me myself, I have never even tried drugs and what is the point of even making references to something I know nothing about. I like my life like I like my ice cream Vanilla. Not Vanilla Ice just Vanilla. Funny side note: I did share a cruise ship with Mr. Ice once in May of 2009. I kind of felt bad for him, I didn’t even want a picture. I mean I take cruises because they are hell of a bang for my broke ass budget but him taking cruises just makes me want to a Save the Rich campaign.

So it is 3 am and I am living out my pipe dreams. In my head I moving to Europe to live the life of a world traveler, apparently in my pipe dreams I prefer poverty just as I do in my real life. I was laying awake because I have so much to do tomorrow, although staying up this late is not making me responsible and is slimming my chance of actually achieving said goal tomorrow. I have now hit my 15th play of “Jar of Hearts” and I should probably stop ranting before someone has me committed as crazy. Even though I probably am, who wants to be normal is this insane world anyway.  P.S. I am really thankful that Mac’s have spellcheck and highlight the words without me having to hit spellcheck. Now of course this does not account for usage of the wrong word but at my luck people will just think I was drunk writing this, maybe I’ll get an intervention for my non-drinking problem. Wish me luck.

Luck O’ the Irish my @ss!

So today was a St. Paddy’s day from hell for me, but I just smiled and found the light humor in everything. This morning when I need to leave my house at 6:15, I thought I would just grab a quick glass of milk or something on my way out the door. This is now referenced as my first mistake of the day. A bottle of blueberry syrup fell out and splashed everywhere; not only did I have to clean up glass and blueberry syrup off the floor I had to change clothes as well. So imagine my surprise when I was actually not late for work. Then at lunch I have to go pick up the birthday cake for the monthly party, why did I take on the job to ensure birthday club, I like to ensure that everyone gets to eat dry cake. However, I did score some sweet ass cookies! I would classify these as the best cookies ever. Work goes by and I get home; instead of writing my paper I decide a nap is in order. I go to sleep and wake up and what do I do, step on my eye glasses. Great! Now I am blind, overweight, tired, and still behind in school. Oh well, Kiss my blarney stone.

Hey Fatass….

For my friends this may be a tough post to read. So my doctor said to me the other day, hey fat ass lose some weight. I get it, I get it. I have to lose some major poundage, this is out of control. I know I have major depressive disorder (still from Iraq, it’s been six years and I go to therapy regularly) and I know that when stressed I eat badly; I just need to figure out how to combat this. Grrr. It is like every bone in my body is fighting me while my mind says lets get up at 4 and run or something my body just lays there. I’m exhausted from doing nothing, I am even having trouble pulling it together to graduate grad school, again . I digress. I promise myself I’ll try harder but that is probably a lie. The whole thing is, I can’t understand why I feel this way. Most people, myself included, have always assumed people are depressed for a reason job, money, etc. but that is not the case for me at this point. Sure I am not on easy street and financially I am still recovering from three years ago but I am in a good place money wise, I was just majorly promoted at work, I am down to the final four classed for graduate school I just need to find my happy internally. On the outside I am still the same old barrel of laughs to others but inside, I’m sad; really sad. I just can’t figure out why.

So fat ass lets try to fix this.

Favorite Dixie Chick Song

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can’t erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won’t forget my name
That’s the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they’d never see me cry
You’ll never see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can’t erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won’t forget my name
That’s the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

You say I’ll pay the price
That’s the chance that I’ll take
Though you may think I’m telling lies
But I just call it getting by

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can’t erase from my life
Everybody knows

Standing out so you won’t forget my name
That’s the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows I am just barely getting by

The House that Built Me

I admit it, I am a sap for those crappy songs that are sung or written just to bring out our emotional side. I love them all, no exception.  My most recent song choice is by Miranda Lambert The House that Built Me. It is one of the sappiest songs ever and sometimes listening to it makes me want to cry. I had to stop myself today and ask myself why(?). It is because I am nostalgic for my childhood home where I was raised with an awesome family that built me into the person I am today or is it because my childhood home just holds so many sacred memories for me? The truth is none of that, I didn’t have the ideal childhood that is sung about in that song and for me I am not sure there is one place to visit that I would call home.

Don’t worry, this won’t be one of those sappy post about my family and how as a child I didn’t get enough love. This will however be about how I realize that I have all my life been trying to pretend that I had a great chilhood and just cherish my family. The truth is, I do love my family; I just can’t be around them anymore. I understand that family dynamics are complicated and many families have different paths, relationships, and levels of complexity but that is not the path I want to take and I chose to exit stage door left.

In the last few years, I have been a hot mess both personally and financially. I am finally in a good place and I realize that is due to not my family but my adopted family The Family of Couches. They were there for me and really helped me understand what it means to have unconditional love and acceptance from a family. There are not back cutting comments designed to make the other person feel bad and even with complicated dynamics and family feuds you can still see the love. That is what is special about their family dynamics.

I met the Family of Couches when I moved in with the Girl on the Couch almost three years ago. It was one of the best decisions of my life; however, I am preparing to move now almost three years later. I realize from this song that I have been hiding from life, the world, and my family. Being here allowed me to find the House that Built Me, the Family of Couches. I know that as I go out into the world I will still be able to rely on them as my family and that is comforting knowing that I have a family to have my back. It is no surprise that once I met them my life got better. I finally got to have a family that has my back, and it’s comforting to know.

My Thoughts on being a Christian

This actually goes deeper, I just could not write it all out.

I have never really talked about my faith before because well it is my faith and I don’t feel the need to be out front and center about my life. However, I wanted to talk about something I witnessed today. A lady in my neighborhood whom I know that just incessantly talks about religion was screaming and yelling at the workers in the front office of our apartment building. She went on and on about how put upon she was because they were inadequate and nothing was ever fixed right and the apartments were just cheaply built by third world immigrants (her words not mine). I could not help but listen and she ranted on and on about how she was superior to everyone. I immediately felt ashamed of myself for sharing some of her frustration. I too talk about faith and how I believe in tenants of faith and principles but in instants I have just lost it on people. Mostly I have just chalked it up to being human. I won’t even begin to try and figure out what being human means. Sometimes I think it is just something we say to make ourselves feel less guilty for doing things that we know are wrong. It is like our little get out of jail free card. I digress back to my point. When I saw this lady “being human” I realized in that instance she was always “human” and uses her religious talk to disguise the fact that she just wants to yell and make others feel bad about themselves. I realized this not because she had one “human” moment but because every time I see her, she is having human moments. Something in her apartment is always broken, her neighbor is a sinner and a slut, the local public school just isn’t good enough for her kids, blah blah blah. I just had a hard time wrapping my head around where her christianity was, where is the love and light she claims to live in? Then I realized why I didn’t see it in her or other people around me that are just like her because it isn’t there in them as people. Stay with me. I realized that all this time I have had my faith in people and that faith should be placed in the principles of religion not in the people, because people will let you down. My main point is this, the next time you see a Christian lose it on someone or tell them God doesn’t love them because they are Gay, Lesbian, Black, Jewish, Transgender, poor, wealthy, drug addict, or any pervasive reason understand it is not religion talking it’s the person and that person is only “human”.

Ben Roethlisberger according to the DSM IV

Client Name: Ben Roethlisberger Axis I: Douchebag NOS R/O Asshole Axis II:Narcissistic personality disorder Axis III: Chronic and uncontrollable erection, brain injury (due to motorcycle accident with no helmet) Axis IV: On-going sexual abuse charges (x2), Inability to date women without massive amounts of alcohol Axis V: GAF = 30 due to serious impairment in judgment and behavior

Weight Watchers

Today, I started on Weight Watchers. It seems that everyone of my friends and family all agree that I am fat. However they always add but you don’t look fat. Well if I don’t look fat then how did everyone come to the conclusion that I am fat? Haha. (Yeah that HaHa didn’t make me sound any less bitter, did it?) LOL. Now that was genuine. So hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to counting calories, fibers,exercise, and points I go.

Am I confident that I will succeed, no. Am I willing to try, yes. I am super excited. I don’t want to walk by the mirror anymore and keep pretending I look like Tom Cruise, I am just not sure my couch could support me jumping on it. It is a delicate couch. So get your pom poms out and lets cheer this weight off. Hopefully it will fall off faster than a prom dress.

Finally to my love, I know that when one partner undertakes a weight loss journey they can change. No worries Mr. Belvedere Vodka, I have checked you are only 2 points and they give me a spare 35 a week. I got you boo. Meet me at the bar.